The time is currently 12:15am on January 1, 2019. I’ve just arrived home from working the evening shift. The hubby and kids are asleep. (Good!) And there is a ruckus going on downstairs (“Happy new year! HAPPY new year! Happy NEW year!” … Sheesh.) and I’ll go to sleep soon, but first…
A post for those who are hurting.
You see, a few hours ago, at 5:05 this evening, my husband, Adam, called me at work to tell me his aunt had passed away.
We first learned of the cancer that attacked Aunt Joan’s pancreas in September, a few short months ago. But despite the diagnosis (and the constant pain) I believe Aunt Joan had enjoyed herself at Adam’s 40th birthday party in October. And then while celebrating bridal showers and weddings for two of her nieces! What a joyous time! (Can it really have been only four weeks ago?!)
It was a fast progression. Too fast.
We had visited the hospital yesterday, where she had been put in hospice only since Friday. Adam and I, Adam’s sister and her husband. We were told Aunt Joan could hear us, but she seemed to be asleep. A fitful sleep. It’s hard to describe… But compared to the other times I’ve visited her in the hospital, she wasn’t in pain. In fact, as I watched her sleep—somewhat laying on her side, breathing somewhat through her mouth and not exactly moaning, but being audible in her breathing—I loved her so much. And I was glad she wasn’t suffering. I was glad she wasn’t as uncomfortable as she had been previously.
In fact, she reminded me of Silas (my three-year-old) and Barnabas (my six-year-old) while they sleep and dream. All I wanted to tell her was, “It’s okay! You’re safe! It’s just a dream. Just rest. We love you. We’re here. Go back to sleep.” And I did say those things. I would hold her hand and said those exact words.
Actually, the visit on Friday was beautiful. Three or four times she opened her eyes! Actually, she adores her nephew, Adam. Like the son she never had, she would say. It was when Adam kissed her good-bye two days that Aunt Joan really opened her eyes and tried to sit up! She loves him so! It was a beautiful sight. I’m so, so glad we visited (thanks, Mom, for babysitting the kids!). I’m so glad we were able to see her again while she was still here on earth with us. And it was especially reassuring to see and hear with my own eyes she wasn’t suffering. It is a comfort to know her last days weren’t the worst.
As I was talking to Adam (more like listening), the morning tech called out good-bye and left. I was alone in the lab to run the evening shift. And Aunt Joan had JUST passed away.
So why then at 5:05pm did Adam call me? Why did God welcome Aunt Joan into His kingdom TONIGHT? While I was at work??? When I couldn’t talk to my mother-in-law… When I couldn’t tell my mom the news… Since tomorrow’s a holiday, we could spend the night at my mother-in-law’s… but we can’t because I’m at work until 11pm…
Boy, was I crushed.
See, God and I have a history. Whenever I want something, God says, “No.” (I’m not kidding.) I pray for my husband to get a higher-paying job so we can purchase food, and instead our friends fill our refrigerator. I volunteer for the church and my masterpiece is rejected in the worst way. It’s as if God loves me so much that He works on giving me a hard time.
And then… my husband calls me at work.
There are several things wrong with this (yes, God, I’m talking to You):
First, I usually only work once a week, but since two techs are on vacation, I’m working FOUR shifts this holiday week! (Which I’ll have to call out of, obviously.)
Second, it’s the last day of the year and I had fully supported Adam to work and get everything finished before year-end. Wonderful wife, if I do say so myself. And then Adam leaves work early (he rarely leaves work early… especially the times I ask him to!) and started his funeral leave on 12/31, a half-hour before he would usually leave for work anyway. (Granted, I’m guessing. He’s asleep now… But I’ll confirm this tomorrow.)
Third, I’m alone in the lab. Technically, I could call someone to cover for me, but… It’s just bad timing.
So, I got some lab stuff done, as much as one can while being a bit confused and rattled (it doesn’t take much for me to be frustrated and confused by Adam’s thought-processing).
And, of course, it had to be busy! Four crossmatches. (What?! God? Really?)
Okay, maybe I blame God too much. But isn’t He sovereign? Isn’t He the One who holds life and death in His hands?
And as I’m mulling over it, I realize that since I’m at work… Adam’s on his own. For the first time. He’s got decisions to make (which he made!)… and he has to act… He had to take funeral leave. He had to get home ASAP and prepare for Aunt Joan’s service… and his wife (who is so full of ideas she can’t sleep most nights) is no where in sight. It’s just Adam… and God.
Huh.
And then somewhere in that, maybe close to 8pm, a thought burst on my conscience:
Aunt Joan is celebrating the new year… on the OTHER side of heaven!
I can see it now: Aunt Joan’s liver is in impeccable condition. Her insulin is controlled. And she’s walking… running, even! Dancing! In a glittery, golden gown. Not out of breath, but with breath to spare.
And she’s dancing with her husband, the One who she’s depended on and trusted in for so many years, Jesus, her Savior, Lord and King. And now her dream has come true. It’s her wedding day. What an awesome start to the new year!
“Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb [Jesus] has come, and his bride has made herself ready.” (Rev 19:7)
Indeed, Aunt Joan is ready! She has been ready! And, oh my word, what a wedding celebration it is! A dance party ABOVE the fireworks!
Aunt Joan, we love you. We miss you. And, hey, while you’re celebrating and all… maybe have a shot of Red Stag on us?
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