I’ve now been sitting on this news for four weeks, so it’s about time to share.
But how do you explain a miracle only by God’s hand in under 500 words? (Considering this post is over 3,000 words, apparently I can’t.)
How it all began
If you want the full sob story, check out my previous blog post on this same event. (link) (The tone is much different for a reason!)
For those who are already familiar with my journey of forgiveness during the past of three years, here’s a recap:
On June 21, 2019, my best friend for the past ten years left our church where we’ve raised babies together, and started her new life in the suburbs of Chicago. They weren’t inviting us to their homewarming party and didn’t want us to host one.
In a word, I felt betrayed.
I lived my life for the past two-and-a-half years, but every corner of the city has the imprints of my friend.
Every fast-food restaurant we visited was a piercing reminder.
Every street we every drove on together a punch in the gut.
Every blue SUV stung my soul…
Something had to change
I did a personal study on forgiveness in August. I even went on podcasts about forgiveness and wrote an ebook about five steps to forgiving…
But how can I talk about forgiveness when I haven’t even told my friend I’d been hurt by her?
So, I decided to contact her through text and plan a meet-up.
I knew this talk couldn’t be done over the phone. It had to be face-to-face. I needed to give her space to respond and ask questions. This was almost three years ago and I had never said a word that I was hurting.
As I feared, her text back to me was beyond enthusiastic to hear from me. (Granted, I wasn’t all business in my text either.)
I had used the guise of her daughter’s upcoming tenth birthday, and surprise! we’re invited to the birthday bash along with thirty other kids. Um… No. Fortunately I had the excuse that I was working the night before.
We set a day for the following Monday at two o’clock.
That week I told everyone to pray, specifically that I would not back down, but would say what I had to say.
Mainly, “You probably don’t know this and that’s okay, but when you left our church without telling me beforehand, I was hurt. I forgive you, but I thought you should know.”
Nothing fancy. I just needed to tell her.
I didn’t need closure, per se. I didn’t need healing or reconciliation. I needed to tell her the truth. I needed her to know. And I needed to be the one to tell her. For the sake of her relationship with someone else. Because it’s the right thing for me to do.
“You’d think I was facing the firing squad”
The morning came and I prepped everything I could for the week. I don’t know why. I guess in case I didn’t make it? In case I gave up on life and couldn’t scrape myself off the floor when I still had obligations during the week?
And then I wrote out Isaiah 43:2 on an index card.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
Isaiah 43:2
And finally I told my kids where we going. See their friend again? Give her a birthday present?! Wow, I’ve never seen my kids get dressed so fast!
During the hour-long drive I messaged a writing pal of mine who knew about this journey of forgiveness since the beginning:
“Spotted a cirrus cloud on the way… ‘I will be with you’ … Gee, you’d think I was facing the firing squad… See you on the other side!”
But that’s exactly what I felt. I was going to die. I was obeying God’s will to tell His message and I would be martyred for it.
(Yes. I am dramatic on a normal basis.)
Along the way, I knew two things for certain:
I loved my friend. That’s why it hurt so much that they left without telling me. And I ridiculously missed her so much.
And secondly, if I didn’t tell her what I needed to say, I wouldn’t get another chance. (Aka, her daughter only turns ten once. If I can’t use this ploy, how will I ever find a better one to meet with my friend face-to-face?)
The time came…
By the time I drove up to her mother-in-law’s house, a really nice single-family with a second floor and a backyard, a third thought came to me:
I might even be jealous. I might be proud of my brave friend who started her own life while I’m still trying to keep everyone happy in my life, while I secretly suffer the church where I don’t fit in and face responsibilities I really should get out of.
My friend came out of the house before I could get the six-year-old out of the three-point harness car seat he still fits in.
I love her.
The thought catapulted me into her arms. I held on to that thought—although it hurt so much and although my heart stung with tears I knew I’d be shedding eventually—as I hugged her.
I love you. Why did you leave?
But I still had to get the kid out of the car, so I let go.
She is my sister. Why had I ever been mad at her?
Yet, I had to tell her what I came to say.
(Although I suddenly couldn’t remember why!)
My kids and I got the tour of the house. The tears were right there at the surface along with God blessed their family so much. Why hadn’t I come earlier?
And then of course I remembered: She betrayed me. (Even though I wasn’t so sure she had…)
Schoolroom in the basement… Her kid sleeps in her own bed (well, of course)…
And clean. The place was so tiny with so many stairs, it was—I hated to admit it—cozy. Comfortable. I didn’t want to leave.
I stinkin’ loved her house!
Of course, at the same time, I didn’t want to be there either.
(Talk about confusing emotions!)
Then we had snacks (my friend, the queen of hospitality—in a good way!) and it felt like we had never been apart. Which meant I had to remind myself over and over and over I could not leave without saying what I had to say.
No matter what rational, emotional, bogus ideas came to me, I had to spit it out. Somehow.
Because if I left with the same hurt I came with, that would be really, really bad. I couldn’t keep my bitterness and frustration and disappointment a secret forever. It would explode one day. And everyone would be worse off than they are now.
Besides, my friend still doesn’t know.
Her husband was also there, which I knew he would be since he worked nights. And I knew I couldn’t make my confession with him in the room. You know. It wasn’t his fight.
But I would say it. I had to. Even if it was in front of her husband.
The “talk”
A while later, as our kids were happily playing and my friend made coffee (oh, sweet comfort…)
Then, the most mysterious thing happened. The husband said, “I’ll go walk the dog, so you two can talk.”
Talk. Right.
This was my moment.
When we got some “girl-talk” in. My appreciation for him—which was already enormous since I’ve known him longer than I’ve known his wife—grew exponentially for his consideration at that moment!
It didn’t take me long to learn this was all planned out.
As soon as we settled on the couch, my friend’s knees nearly bumping mine since we were angled toward each other, she grabbed my knee and said, “I need to apologize.”
I sat stunned.
Because there was no way she’d be apologizing for what burned in my heart, for what my soul cried out to hear her say…
No way.
And then she went on for the next five minutes to apologize for two things:
First, for leaving the church so abruptly.
And second, for hurting me during that argument of ours.
Okay. Take a breath everyone, because YES … She apologized for the exact two things I came to forgive her for!
Turns out two weeks ago, she had had a dream telling her she needed to contact me to apologize. But she had hesitated because something so huge couldn’t be said in an email.
She was right about that, of course. And while she hesitated…
I texted.
While I used the guise of bringing a birthday present, but secretly coming to tell her she’s forgiven, she had used the same guise to secretly have an opening to tell me she was sorry!
All part of God’s plan…
Crazy, right?
God is crazy. Crazy perfect and crazy good, because His timing is spot-on. God had planted this urgent desire on my heart at the same time He put it on my friend’s.
Believe it or not, your choice. But I know it’s true.
Two weeks earlier I wouldn’t have been ready and this meeting would have been disastrous. Two weeks later would have been ineffective, the callous already covering over the intense pain once again…
Don’t ever doubt God’s timing!
While I’ve been working to move on and forgive her, she had been figuring out how to apologize.
This morning while I was writing down a Bible verse and committing this day to God, she was praying with her husband that she could get over her pride and say what she should have said long ago.
And it gets better!
Here’s something I didn’t mention in my prelude: Since August I’ve had a lot of stress about teaching in the homeschool community. Mainly, because I found myself in a re-do of the same year my friend left. I was super scared to get hurt again.
Well, I gritted my teeth, and had taught the material…
As it turns out, my friend was asked to be director—and she really didn’t want to repeat that fateful year. (Sound familiar?) Because what if she made the same mistakes? What if she hurt someone else who was doing the best she could?
Talk about a God-moment!
I didn’t waste anytime, but was thrilled to tell her how God had redeemed all the hurt she had caused me during that argument three years ago! How God had miraculously brought me through this year by His grace, covered me over, healed me. Up until that moment, I hadn’t really seen it… But telling my friend, once dead to me and now brought back, it all became clear.
Jesus is King.
His hand is mighty and His timing is sovereign and perfect!
Never in my life would I have thought this frightening re-do would be the joyous climax of our “I forgive you”/”I’m sorry” conversation!
What was so frightening months ago was an opportunity to say how God Himself brought me through!
I told her she should be director. I testified, using my own testimony, how God would help her! (Yes! I really did say that! And meant it!)
Then I testified further, saying that God made her to be bold and brave and opinionated, and God would use that… Just as God was using me as I internalize pain and turn it into powerful stories of healing, redemption, forgiveness.
We are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do! Never before had those words been so true!
And then I apologized. (You read that right! The girl who came to forgive now felt the urge to apologize!) For not telling my friend right away that I was hurt, for burying the pain out of stubbornness and pride.
Then we praised Jesus together in tearful, beautiful whole-hearted prayer to Jesus who is King, who is forever deserving of all worship and glory!
The clincher: remember me saying how every blue SUV I saw would cut me up with memories? Turns out they are driving a white SUV now ; )
What my story means to YOU
I have one thing to say about this event: when two people cling to God, learn about God, bring their struggles honestly to God with tears and sweat and blood, earnestly, holding nothing back, with God as their hope and salvation…
the two individuals ultimately are closer—even if they are far apart physically.
Because they are both walking in God’s path, under His reign, in submission to Him, they are bound to meet in the same place.
A miracle, nothing less. Two hearts united without any seam anywhere.
But it took three years of digging into God (on both sides) for that to happen.
Now I understand what John means when he says in 1John 1:7, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
Are we best friends now? No. Do I text her every day and see her every weekend? No, not at all.
Can I? Sure, I can. Will I seize up when I see her name on my phone? Nope.
Because she and I are full of light. Pure. Cleansed, and without sin. Together, yet individually, under the forgiving flow of Christ.
And that’s what I wanted all along. What God knew I needed, even though I never asked.
I wanted forgiveness, sure. But what I really wanted was for the barrier to be gone. The barrier between God and who I am. I wanted to breathe again. I wanted to start to live again.
And I wish I could say that every Christian relationship that I’ve been hurt by has been healed like this. But they haven’t. And I know they won’t.
Talking stuff out is a norm. Being forgiven and forgiving is standard. Even a reunion is possible.
But two souls bound in Christ? This is the stuff out of the book of Acts. Only by the hand of God.
Very rare.
I also realize this story isn’t really encouraging. It doesn’t give a formula or format for forgiveness. It can’t.
And this isn’t a really great example for any of you who are currently suffering. This just doesn’t happen.
But I’ll be the first to tell you happy endings isn’t the point. My goal here isn’t to promise you one.
Still, now that I breathe again, now that I’ve had a taste of the pain and have resurfaced from it, I can be of service to you (well, I hope so!). I can take you by the hand into the glimpse I’ve had and especially what I’ve learned about the majesty of God…
Even if you dive into a closer relationship with God, regardless of circumstance, your life will be better for it. That I can promise!
Is there a circumstance you need to let go of? A friend who hurt you deeply and there’s no resolution in sight?
But if you learned anything from story, learn this: God is with you. Today. Right this instant. And He was with you when you were originally hurt.
And God won’t leave you. Won’t betray you. Ever.
Lean into Him. Have hope in Him! He’s working on you. He’s making you a masterpiece with your own story to tell.
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Ephesians 2:10
Resources!
Before I let you go, these are some resources I used in my journey of forgiveness that helped me. (Note: these are affiliate links.)
Forgiveness by Matthew West. https://amzn.to/3qGxSFa Short testimonials and brief Bible studies from Matthew himself on forgiving someone else, one self, and receiving God’s forgiveness. Light and delightful.
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst. https://amzn.to/36VOIco From her own tragic experience of betrayal, a much heavier and wordier process to delve deep into finding forgiveness, and especially moving past the pain and living one’s life with the joy where you can find it. (I also bought the study guide, but it’s for a group setting, not for personal use. I didn’t buy the DVD that should go with it. Oh well. At least I can save you the trouble.)
Your turn: How has this post helped you? I’d love to hear your thoughts on forgiveness and your own story!
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