First off, let’s say I have no idea how to do marriage… and no idea how to canoe. And like everything else in my life, I seem to learn as I go. If I were building a railway, I’d be laying the tracks down as the train starts to roll forward. Sounds dangerous, right? Yeah, probably not so smart. Someone’s bound to be run over… Okay, okay, enough with the visual.
Let’s get in the river!
You’ve heard it said, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” A famous passage clipped from Ephesians 5:22-28.
If you’re still reading, thank you. (No offense, but this post is about canoeing. Didn’t you expect to get wet?)
I’ve been married thirteen years, which means I’ve turned a corner in my idea of my husband, Adam, being romantic. What I mean to say is that part of me—the romantic—pretty much died. Instead, I’m seeing our marriage as mission, ministry, partnership, intended for God’s glory. Sounds cold and heartless, doesn’t it? Yeah, well, I’m working on it. (Hey, I’m being honest. That train analogy is a good depiction of my “train” of thought.)
But there are two things I believe to be true in a healthy marriage that I’m striving for: 1) some level of contentment and 2) the husband is the leader and the wife is the submissive helper.
Hang on to your paddle. I’m not done.
It’s time to define terms. According to Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, “lead” means “to guide on a way especially by going in advance,” and “submit” means “to yield to governance or authority.”
Move over date nights. We’re talking roles and responsibility. And maybe not the budgeting kind.
But what does this have to do with canoeing?
I don’t know. But this is what I came up with on a trip down the Kankakee River with my two young sons and husband.
#1) The heavier adult sits in the back
To propel the boat forward, the front has to be lighter than the back. It’s simple mechanics. Not always, but in our case, Adam is the heavier between the two of us.
In a marriage, the leader of the family has nothing to do with weight on a scale. Rather, God has placed heavier responsibility on the male of the family. The male is the one who is called before God to answer to what his family has done, whether or not he was in the know.
All businesses work best when roles are clearly defined. And nothing gets done if there isn’t one mission statement, one direction, one objective. Not necessarily dictator leadership. A successful business can have a group of leaders—but the trajectory must be single.
In a marriage, since there are two people, only one can be the leader. One sets the course. The other has to follow the plan.
In a canoe, that’s pretty obvious since it’s, umm… one boat.
#2) Sound projects in the direction the speaker is facing
This one doesn’t need explaining. But I will anyway. (Define terms, you know?)
A very simplified explanation of how sound and hearing works is that sound is the result of vibrations (when we talk, the vibrations are started in the vocal chords) that create sound waves in the air, which travel until they hit something. If the sound waves enter a person’s ear, the waves pulse against the eardrum, allowing a person to hear.
The point is: Sound travels forward. Only. (Unless it’s rebounded—an echo—which is also sound moving forward. Think about it. Physics is very straight-forward. Hehe…)
Canoes are narrow and don’t provide much room to twist around. Also, canoes have a tendency to be tippy due to the hull shape.
So, if the bow paddler (the one in the front) says something like, “Oh, wow, a bald eagle!” or “Oh no! A waterfall!” no one behind her can hear.
No one.
They can hear something, but it’s indistinguishable.
The question then is: Who gives the commands? Who tells who to paddle? Who sets the speed? When? How? In a word: Who leads?
After about a minute of an Internet search, I learned that paddling can become intuitive. After much experience, both paddlers can feel the pull of the other paddle without watching.
But I lay my tracks down as the train is rolling, so let’s forget about intuition.
My experience on the river was this: No paper manual. Limited movement. (Even pulling the camera from my jeans pocket was a feat without it—or me—landing in the water.) It took several tries to learn how to pull the paddle in the water. Ten minutes of being on the water and my arms were tired.
Nothing but water in front of me. And my frantic cry of, “Adam, what do I do?!” (Which, if you remember, projects only forward and certainly not to Adam, who cupped his ear and said repeatedly, “What? I can’t hear you!”)
I might have been in the front… but I wasn’t in a position to be the leader.
#3) Then, who’s leader?
This is what Steve Salins, a contributing editor to www.adventuresportsnetwork.com, says:
“Who is responsible for synchronizing strokes in a tandem canoe? The stern paddler can both see and feel when the bow paddle enters the water.”
Who is ultimately responsible for the tempo of the paddling? The guy in the back!
Photo credit: https://harvardfop.github.io/assets/canoe_parts.jpg
Okay, I admit, I thought the stern paddler would call out, “Stroke! Stroke!” and gain rhythm that way. I wanted someone to tell my hubby to communicate with me. (Maybe this is the desire for all wives everywhere.)
Communication isn’t what Salins says. But something close to it: the leader watches and senses the situation, and makes judgements. He’s the leader. He’s responsible. It’s his call.
Isn’t that awesome?
Know what excites me the most?
The bow paddler sets the pace.
Yup, the gal in the front.
But she’s not the leader.
And the stern paddler follows the bow paddler’s speed. Follows, but not submissively. He follows because canoeing works better this way. It’s less tiring than giving constant instructions. Also, it’s a pace he knows his partnering canoe mate can keep.
This is great news for a wife!
In a marriage, the wife can set the pace. Can make decisions. Can set the tune. And be submissive!
Meanwhile, the husband as the leader oversees the operation. He can comply—but also has the position to change course. Also known as leading!
This gives an ultra-cool visual of the “love-your-wives husband” and “submit-yourselves wife” relationship, doesn’t it?!
I know for me this concept gives me a bunch of security (Adam is watching and gives support or correction; I’m not alone) and relief (it’s my pace, according to my ability).
This allowance is also biblical: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” ~ 1Peter 3:7
#4) Both paddles in the water
Again, according to Salins…
(I gotta email this guy and tell him he improved my marriage!)
“When one partner pulls on the paddle, so should the other. Stroking at different moments sets up a side-to-side rocking motion, which is uncomfortable.”
It is uncomfortable when only one canoer is paddling. I think then it is safe to say that paddling at different speeds or at opposite times (or in opposite directions) are uncomfortable too.
Isn’t that a fascinating correlation to marriage?
Have you ever been in a situation when you’ve been uncomfortable in your marriage, either because you or your spouse were the only one paddling… and the canoe is rocking? (Tippy marriage, anyone?)
Just like in canoeing, marriage is much more sturdy and strong when both husband and wife put their oar in the water… at the same time… and stroke at the same rhythm. The only difference being that the paddles are on opposite sides of the canoe… equally important, unless you enjoy going in circles…
Now, listen to Salins’s hopeful encouragement:
“Learning to paddle together, with both paddles hitting the water at the same time, comes with experience.”
Salins says this rhythm and work comes with experience. He could very easily be a marriage counselor here, don’t you think?!
By the way, in choppy waters, the best practice is to get paddling. According to Salins, “Almost always, aggressive paddling strokes cause the canoe to feel solid and secure in the water.”
Get paddling!
#5) In conclusion: Solo-paddling is allowed… but joy comes from duo-paddling!
By myself, I might be creative and a great storyteller. I might be compassionate and discerning. I can instill manners and work ethic in our two sons. I can manage the finances (well, I could) and somehow survive.
And although there are solo-paddling canoes, there are no solo-paddler marriages. Marriage can’t be done alone. It can’t. To be honest, I’m trying to get out of that mind-set. I might not be the only wife who is struggling with this.
But I’ve got my paddle. And I’m willing to learn.
Turns out Salins has a quote about that too:
“The joy of canoeing extends from the artistic moves of a solo paddler to the rewards inherent in the perfect symmetry of a tandem partnership.”
Isn’t that beautiful?
Perfect symmetry…
Tandem partnership…
Joy!
I want that!
(And I want to carve this quote on a paddle and hang it in my dining room!)
Although canoeing can be done alone when there are two paddlers in the boat, canoeing is more rewarding when both paddle.
Isn’t that interesting?
When the stern paddler surveys the situation and takes the responsibility…
and when the bow paddler understands her importance and puts hand to the paddle…
the benefits of two partners working together causes JOY!
Grab sunscreen and sandals, because that sounds like a worth-while destination.
For the original articles and image I used for this post, check these out:
Steve Salins’s article: https://www.adventuresportsnetwork.com/sport/paddle-sports/canoe-kayak/debunking-the-tippy-canoe-myth/
https://sourisriverdealer.wordpress.com/tag/why-some-canoes-are-tippy/
Image of labeled canoe: https://harvardfop.github.io/assets/canoe_parts.jpg
Like what you've read? I'm also on Facebook and Twitter!If you were encouraged by this post, I’d like to hear it! Better yet, have a canoeing or kayaking story? Share away!
Cheryl,
As always, a touching and inspirational post. “Tandem partnership”. What a descriptive and inspirational phrase! Marriage is more than two individuals, it is the sum of your collective energies!
I love you, your “hubby” and your babies!
Mom