When I first came to Bible study at University Bible Fellowship (UBF), I was proud and love-thirsty. It took the patience of a spiritual father, Dr. Paul Koh, who had three daughters of his own to penetrate my stubborn heart.
First, a crooked view of love
After four years of Bible study (yes, that long!), God helped me repent a little bit more of my prideful self through living with other young shepherdesses. (I love you Florence Lee, Rosalba Pena, Faith Grady, Monica Berry!) I am thankful for Dr. Charles and Little Sarah Kim who let me stay at their apartment, who loved me, and opened up the Bible through their lives of faith.
This was the also the year Dr. Paul Koh revised my testimony, taught me the vocabulary of a Christian, and had me run and exercise every day to push me against my physical limits and overcome a sense of fatalism. This was the hardest year of my life, but also my happiest. I learned so much about God and felt most loved by the Christian community at UBF. (This discipleship training and one-to-one care is the hallmark of UBF. In my personal opinion, UBF excels in studying the Bible and learning about God through deep meditation of His word by ways of lengthy and exhaustive testimony writing and early morning daily bread. UBF raises Bible scholars!!!)
Dr. Paul Koh’s prayer through my rewriting of weekly testimonies and running through Warren Park was to learn Resurrection Faith, that God’s word is true, that Jesus who rose from the dead is God Almighty and nothing is impossible for Him. Although I already believed in Christ as my personal Savior, I lived with a crooked idea of love. Since my parents had divorced ten years earlier, I felt I couldn’t trust even those who loved me and no one kept their promises.
But one evening God corrected my thinking in the most unexpected–and wonderful–way.
Second, love taught through loving
I was recommended to give the main message at a summer conference in 2005. I didn’t want to the main messenger (originally my brother-in-Christ was supposed to give it) and also I didn’t like the topic (God’s love from 1John 4:10). I didn’t believe God loved me. Up until the night before I was to give the message in the morning, I still didn’t believe. I nearly had memorized all the words of the message but was saying it from a bitter heart. I wanted to believe, but I was powerless.
My brother-in-Christ and Dr. Paul Koh stayed up late that night to help me “simply believe” God loves me. It felt like dying. I couldn’t do it. Eventually, my brother-in-Christ left to go to bed, saying he’d pray for me. (Thank you for your ceaseless brotherly love for me! I forever love you in Christ!)
A few hours later Dr. Paul Koh, my spiritual father and mentor, said he couldn’t help me anymore and told me to keep practicing.
For a girl who already believes she is unloved, I was stricken. I always knew I would get hurt if I trusted someone, and here I was. Hurt. Betrayed. Alone.
But I kept practicing with my own strength, emphasizing words as best I could, despite my bleeding, wounded heart and Satan’s whisper that God would never love me. I wasn’t worth it.
I had thought Dr. Paul Koh had gone to bed and had left me to deal with my unbelief on my own—but I was so wrong!
When morning came after rehearsing all night long with no sleep, I finally exited the room to head upstairs to shower and found him sleeping on a bench outside of the room where I practiced.
He never left!
Third, God’s love never gives up.
At that moment I learned God’s love, God’s love that never gives up, always pursues, never fails, always trusts, always perseveres. I learned that God loved me with an unconditional, unfailing love. I went up to my room to shower and less than an hour later I delivered a heartfelt, spirited message on God’s love.
The Bible verse came to life!
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
~1John 4:10
I believed, not because of fancy jargon or because the Holy Spirit suddenly came upon me. I believed because someone demonstrated it to me. Talk is cheap, but a heart full of sincere love pours out. It’s undeniable. And it changes lives.
That moment in my Christian life forever changed me.
This is significant for two reasons:
- I decided to believe God loved me.
- Through Dr. Paul Koh’s example, I could trust that when God says He loves me, He does.
I will always be thankful to Dr. Paul Koh for demonstrating the love of God that day, but most importantly for loving me as his spiritual daughter with unrelentless love. God blessed me with the best shepherd to show me who He is.
Through Dr. Paul Koh’s shepherding, I also learned how to hold fast to God’s word, how to honor God’s word and keep God’s word as true, and the importance of obedience to God even when I don’t feel like it. I became the shepherd I am today and have a firm knowledge of the Scriptures through his patient guidance for me.
And his patience and love for me paved the way to learn more of God’s grace through the next two decades.
[See my full testimony here.]
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